Moving through the darkness into light!

I almost thing that there should be music playing as you read this post. I am listening to ADELE a UK artist that I have fallen for her voice.

My definition of hell is feeling stuck in a place that is so dark, so dank, so oppressive, that it is nearly impossible to even take a breath. The energy of the darkness sat on my chest and my body was not able to take in the air it needed to shake the cobwebs of fear, despair, discouragement, and desperation from my mind, body and soul.

I close my eye right now and beathe down to the tips of my toes...and the cobwebs, although not totally blown out, are wisps...not walls. My spirit is able to move and dance and jump and .... I shimmy and shake as energy once again fills a body that was encased, entombed, nearly embalmed.

My mind is so happy that I have realized how to get back to me...back to center....back to the universal spirit that is within me - that is within all of us.
It's as if my walls that my ego or my mind created to keep me safe from all that was happening (losing the love of my life, losing my job, losing....nearly everything) and yet the truth is that i am not losing anything.... when I grasp, when I cling, when I pull things to me out of fear, they crumble into a million pieces and and flung in the wind to all the corners of the Universe.

For I need nothing (as i tell my sweet dear-heart friend/sister) to be complete...I am, as I am, Dede - the Craft Hippie enough, complete and i do not need LA, or WHE or lydgate or anything else to make me who I think i need to be. I DO NOT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING FOR PEOPLE TO LOVE ME. I DON'T HAVE TO MAKE 6 FIGURES. I DON'T HAVE TO BE THIN AND MODEL LIKE.... I am, who I am supposed to be at this point and time in my life....I AM ENOUGH

getting caught up or just caught...

Well the two prior posts are things I wrote elsewhere, but I am too scattered and trying to consolidate. Too many blogs and sites and spots and places are making me wacky wacko.

I feel in love with another potential job only to be denied....sad i was. Depressed and in despair I did not get. I have a few potential positions on the horizon and I am going to put my best foot forward and take it from there. Sooner or later someone has to want me. it's not me...it's them. If they are judging me to being overweight - then they might not be any different than that horrid boss ****** Brown that said I was too fat and he didn't want to see me out of my office.
and maybe,just maybe the dream position that I hope to meet with this week will be the one. I've really been trying to stay in the moment and not get to crazy about it all.

Speaking of Crazy. I find out that Wellspring is now officially a bust. Tom has been embezzeling $ and the scam we all figured out - National Advisor is now a lawsuit. Who will be calling? IRS, FBI, DOJ? somebody will want this. Where is Tom? Has anyone checked the new home he was building with the company $ even though he was not paying the employees???? or has he flown the coop? He was asking me about the cheapest fares to Europe before he laid me off.

I know that hitting bottom is the start of something new....

"helloooooooooooooo" I yell into the dark abyss.... It echos. There is no response. is this the bottom? Have i reached it? Surely the hole cannot continue to drop down deeper.

I don't think all this is really about the abyss... I am not even sure it's about living in Dallas or my home or my despair about losing the person with whom I had committed to live the rest of my life with.... i think it's about me not holding on. I grasp. I claw. I dig in until I feel my fingers are breaking....and yet I continue to slip.

i'm not afraid of the dark. i love it. at night when the lights and the tv finally shut off, i can take a deep breath that i cannot see the pain around me. in the dark i am not fat. in the dark i am not alone. in the dark i am not covered inside and out with scars. in the dark i can pretend that i am not the abused and neglected kid. in the dark i can be anyone i want to be.

so why not in the dark of this abyss can't i create what i want and step out into that life? i am at this dark night of the soul for a reason. draw a road map. paint a treasure map...design your future.

My New Life....

I feel like I am getting a do-over...a new life. I thought I was madly in love...guess I was just mad. Now I am single...and I feel as if the facade that I had encrusted around my being for protection and safety is cracking and coming off in huge chunks around my feet. Somedays I feel as if i get scared and grasp and the chunks and try to reapply them back to my shell...but the metamorphasis cannot go backwards.

It's scarey to not truly know who you are anymore. I mean once upon a time I was verbally and emotionally introverted...while socially extroverted to cover up.

I am an artist. I am a crunchy-granola - tie-dye wearing, tattoo loving, pierced, semi punk, slightly emo and grunge, alternative, light femme, lesbian who feels like a fish out of water in Dallas TX. I like urban areas, I love the outdoors, but have lived a life fearful of what the world holds. I have traveled a lot in the USA, but desperately want to explore other cultures. I would say that I am a Buddhist, because it mostly closely resembles what I believe....but it's probably more spiritual or eclectic in nature. All of my tattoos have a spiritual significance to me.

The soul that I adore more than any other on earth is that of my chocolate brown chihuahua, named Sydney.